Death, Oh I wish
by Shinsei Tonbo
Summary: PG-13 Botan reflects on what she truely feels like on the inside, where not even Hiei can see into, the dark abyss of her heart.


_**Death, Oh I Wish**_

It's always been painful, to know that I could never die.

I was created this way and sometimes I wished that I wasn't.

But that would never happen, no matter how hard I would ever try, I know that I would never be able to die.

It will always hurt to know that all of those that I love will go on and find love, grow old and die, even the demons.

But I will never die; I will never be able to love, to hold, to do anything but care and wallow in despair.

I will be nothing but be made fun of by the gang as if I was some normal person like them, do as they do, love some one and have them love you back; without losing them in only a few short years.

Hiei has Yukina, but he does nothing to tell her he's her brother; he doesn't know that time will pass quickly even if he is a demon, and soon it'll be too late.

He doesn't understand that all I can do is to show my emotions to those that I love, but will die, he doesn't know that I have to cherish the time I have with them for they will soon die.

But I…

I, will live for eternity, and an eternity ever more.

I hide the feelings of wanting to die deep within me, to where not even Hiei could dig it out of me except in a time of absolute weakness.

My pain is so deep; I'll never get rid of it.

My despair is powerful, that I result into escaping to my room, with barriers around me to keeping the scent of blood in.

For to keep my mind off the emotional pain, I, in return, resort to physical pain.

No one knows of this, and I hope no one ever does, for they will only mock me at how weak I am.

How I could never be anything because of my being weak.

And they are right; I'll never be anything, nothing but a deity that will live forever.

Merely a being created to shows the dead souls across the river Styx, and help in anyway I can to the gods.

No, they will never feel my pain, no one can.

No one will ever even be able to imagine the pain harbored with in my vessel, the despair harbored within my very soul.

So, here I am…

Sitting on the floor of my room, a blade to my wrist, cutting the flesh and making me bleed.

My tears blend in with my blood, making it a dark red, why I don't know, but my tears seem to make it darker than light , as should.

Pain is something I'm accustomed to now, something that I now crave.

It's funny, now I crave to drink my very own blood, it feels good to pull the energy of my very being out, torturing myself to a brink of what would be death for others, and only a brief moment of unconsciousness for me.

And even that realization, makes me even more depressed, I hide it all to well from the others for they know nothing of which I feel, to lose everyone, and never be able to visit them in the afterlife.

For I don't have the same luxuries as they, I have to stick to the purpose of my creation, though I'd rather commit suicide than stay here.

At least then, I'd be able to see the others on the other side of this life, instead of just guiding them to the right destination.

Oh, how I wish I could just wish to die and I would, but I have sorely already tried; and to no avail either.

I've broken down to tears now, as I let my true pain leak out through my eyes.

It barely relieves any of it, but tis somewhat comforting.

I'm glad though for this barrier, or else long ago I would have been bothered with questions on why I'm hurting myself this way, and as I think about it I couldn't give them an answer and the guys would just mock me once again for being weak.

Oh how I wish I wasn't so weak.

Oh how I wish that I would be able to have just one wish granted for once, for I have never asked for anything but death, only for it to be the only thing that I can truly never have.

Try as I might to have it, it will never be granted, for the gods have no pity for an immortal soul, such as mine.

They only see that I should be contempt for having such a gift, sorely they are mistaken in believing that anyone would want to have this.

People may wish for immortal life, but they don't truly understand its consequences.

That because of it, you wish to wither and die right on the very spot when someone you love dies.

That you will never get to be reborn into a new live, enjoy the afterlife, be a carefree spirit.

They would never have that, as I do not have any of that; I will never have any of that freedom.

I wish to escape this pain but there is no where to go to, except to my usually suicidal methods of relief.

If I could tell someone who could I tell?

No one, that's who, because they would never understand what I feel, how I feel; how It tears me up inside.

Death, oh I wish.

Oh I wish that I wasn't death itself.

FIN

_**A/N:** _

_Hey guys, did you know I actually wrote this from keeping myself from doing that?_

_I've wanted to do that for a very long time, but people love me… Don't they?_

_Pain is a constant feeling for me everyday. I'm ignored at school and shit, parents divorced; I know others have had an even tougher life but my own is just really hard for me. _

_And sometimes this really gets to me and I want to do it, but I stop myself, and sometimes I don't even know why I do…_

_It's truely a confusing thing, life, so why?_

_Why do we live it?_


End file.
